It Comes and Goes in Waves (Homesickness)

Several weeks ago I wrote about my desire to have fun and enjoy the college experience, but this post addresses another side to college life—homesickness. I used to think that homesickness was just for college freshmen, and indeed, when you search it on Google, most of the information refers to first year college students. But when I entered my sophomore year and was still hit – hard – with the occasional wave of homesickness, I figured I couldn’t be the only one.

I was not the typical college freshman in regards to homesickness; I wasn’t stricken with a longing for the familiar until late in the fall semester. My best friend from home was paralyzed by homesickness for the first few weeks of freshman year, but recovered quickly. I, however, did not miss Baltimore until early November, and unfortunately, I haven’t been able to fully shake that feeling since. Ultimately, my love for this school and for the opportunities here have overruled my homesickness, since I spent last summer in Williamsburg and I will do so again this summer.  But every so often, I’m bowled over with a longing for home, which usually corresponds to stressful periods in the semester and in my life.

I’m exceedingly lucky that I can get home with relative ease on the train, as I did this past weekend. It’s midterms, the stress was getting to me, I wasn’t sleeping—I took a mental health weekend and returned to Baltimore to see my family. I revisited my high school haunts, the Starbucks on York Road, the sushi place in the center of town. There truly is nothing like the comfort of your own room and Mom’s cooking to make life seem more manageable—sometimes adulthood, even the quasi-adulthood of the college years, can become overwhelming. But then the weekend was over, and I returned to school, and here I am feeling homesick again.

I have to remind myself that my childhood is over, for better or worse—I have gained independence, though I have lost the feeling of comfort and security that home brings. I’m not ignorant—I know I have outgrown home, the shoe doesn’t fit anymore—friends have moved away, my high school is closed to me, my little sister will soon be leaving for college herself. Eventually, my childhood home will be sold, and the tenuous portal to my past will truly be shut. Baltimore is a dead end. My future is here, in Williamsburg, in my classes, my friends, my job. My life is here. And I love it; I really do, but only most of the time. Sometimes, I need to be a child again, if only for a weekend, a moment, a fleeting sense of security.

Life is uncertain, the future is uncertain. Uncertainty can be terrifying. Therein lies the root of homesickness—the fear of the unknown, and the longing for familiarity. I expect to feel homesick at times throughout the entirety of my college years, and perhaps beyond, for I recognize that I have been given a great home. And though the definition of home may be blurred now—is home here, or in Baltimore? which address do I use?—I cling to the memories of my family, my childhood, and my house with the cat and the shutters and the picket fence. Though life keeps moving forward, it’s okay, sometimes, to look back. Homesickness isn’t just for freshmen.