This One Goes Out to All The Parents

A few weeks ago, I was asked to present at a conference for gifted students and their parents.  My session was targeted specifically to parents.  The topic: how to prepare your students for selective college admission.  Even though I presented on selecting high school courses, standardized test prep, and essay writing, I have reflected on the topic more broadly in the weeks since my presentation and come to see “prepare” in a whole new light.  Here are some pieces of advice to those parents who are either currently going through or preparing to go through the college application process.

1. Guide, don’t push. The college search and application process is one of the first major life decisions that a student has the opportunity to engineer.  Allowing your student to take the lead will likely make him/her more invested in the process and will also provide him/her with a sense of responsibility.  The college search process is a major opportunity for student development (this is my grad-program self talking) and it should be utilized by parents as such.  Make your student know and meet application deadlines.  Make sure it’s the student who is completing the application.  Not only is this a growth opportunity for students, it’s a letting go opportunity for parents.  Going to college is when your son or daughter will physically leave the nest.  Ease into that transition by allowing him or her to own the search and application processes.  Be a bastion of support, be an open ear or a shoulder to cry on but let the student sink or swim on his own in terms of completing the application and meeting deadlines.  They’re going to be on their own soon enough and the college search process is a great way for parents and students to start transitioning into their new roles.  This is not to say that parents should not set boundaries or parameters.  Discuss as a family what you all hope for as the outcome of this search process and be honest about financial limitations.  But at the end of the day, it is the student who will be attending college or university.  Let them steer the ship because they’re the ones who have to live with the outcomes.
2. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don’t want to do. As parents you’re likely all too familiar with this concept.  Whether it’s working for someone you don’t like or going to an action movie to appease your spouse when you really want to see a romantic comedy, we all make sacrifices and we all do things we don’t want to do to serve the greater good.  Every year about this time we get students who call us with elaborate questions regarding their senior year schedule.  The subtext of the questions is generally that the students wants us, W&M, to say it’s okay not to take calculus or it’s okay not to take an additional AP course.  We’re not going to say that, and neither should you.  Encourage your students to challenge themselves and encourage them to keep going strong through the senior year.  While taking calculus or that extra AP course might burden the student with a little extra stress or a little extra homework for a year, isn’t the means worth the end if it helps them get into the school of their dreams?
3. Don’t put off ’til tomorrow what you can do today. The college search process isn’t an overnight one and high school students’ lives are hectic enough without the burden of standardized tests, college tours, and applications all of which come the junior and senior year.  It’s likely in your students’ best interests to take an SAT or ACT the spring of their junior year so that a) they go through that ordeal when they’re not also stressed out by applications and the social demands of a senior year and b) if they don’t do as well as they hoped, they have plenty of time to take another test prior to submitting applications.  It’s also best to do some college visits during the spring of the junior year and the summer after the junior year.  This will help your students narrow down their options and again, not cut into what is already a very busy senior year.
4. Hope for the best but prepare your student for the worst. This advice is not meant to be fatalistic but not getting admitted into colleges is often the first time high-achieving students do not get what they want.  They can’t fix it, their parents can’t fix it; it is what it is.  It’s hard for students to understand that even though they did their best, the outcome may not be what they hoped for.  Try to work with your student prior to the arrival of decision letters to help them understand that a deny letter is not a judgment of their character or ability but rather a testament to how competitive the college application process is.  We will all face major rejection in our lives but for many high school seniors, deny letters are their first major rejection.  Help your students manage expectations.  Remind them that it’s good to have a few reach schools and a few safety schools as well as some schools in the middle.  Reach schools are just that.  If students don’t get in, it doesn’t mean that they are bad or that they have failed, it just means that there are hundreds if not thousands of other wonderful students out there competing for the same opportunities.
5. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Some students believe there’s only one right school for them.  This simply isn’t true.  There may be a first choice or a favorite but with over 4,000 colleges and universities in the United States alone, there cannot be only one school at which your student will have a great experience.  If your son or daughter doesn’t get in to his or her first choice, remind them that it’s not the end of the world.  There are 3,999 other great schools out there and chances are several others will provide a good fit and great opportunities.

Being a college applicant is no walk in the park.  Being the parent of a college applicant is not much easier.  Good luck to all involved!

– Wendy Livingston