It’s Not Easy Being Blue and Yellow

If I remember my elementary arts classes properly, when you mix blue and yellow you get green.  Green is also the color of jealousy, which is how I oftentimes feel as I’m going through my regional reads (housed in blue and yellow folders).  I’m green because I’m envious of my colleagues (both at W&M and in admission in general) who can be more decisive regarding admission decisions.  I will sometimes sit and stare at the same file for several minutes, wavering between admit or a more tepid supportive vote that falls short of an admission offer.  Other times I’ll grapple with a waitlist versus a deny.  Sometimes I’ll just throw my hands up in frustration not being able to determine exactly how I feel.  Most of our applicants are exceptional in some way or another.  Whether it’s grades, standardized testing, tremendous leadership, or an amazing life story, every applicant has something to add, and being able to make nuanced decisions between who gets in and who does not is far more of an art than a science.

Green is also often a color associated with illness.  And while second reads do not cause me to become physically ill they do cause me to feel stressed, anxious, and apprehensive.  What if I make the wrong decision?  What if I decide to deny the next Darren Sharper or the next Glenn Close?  What if the file that doesn’t move me is the next Jon Stewart or Bill Lawrence?  What if that student I am waitlisting could be my next new tour guide or senior interviewer?  Reading is an emotional process.  I know the stereotype of admission deans is that we’re cold, unfeeling, and curmudgeonly but nothing could be further from the truth.  I wrestle with every decision (though I admit some come more easily than others) especially those that are close close calls.  I sometimes second-guess myself and revisit a file several hours after completing it and putting it in my finished pile.  This is an imperfect process with imperfect people making the decisions.  All we can do is trust our process (which I believe to be very thorough and thoughtful), trust our colleagues (I’m blessed with tremendously talented and diverse colleagues), and trust ourselves (I’m still working on that part after seven years of reading applications) to make good decisions.  Good does not always imply right but it does imply informed, contemplative, and considered and I do believe our decisions to be exactly that.

So when you receive your decisions in about six weeks and you feel green (because you didn’t get in and someone else did and you’re jealous) or you feel blue (because you’re sad you didn’t get in) or yellow (because you’re happy that you did gain admission) remember that we’ve felt all of the above and every color of the rainbow in-between.

– Wendy Livingston