The Large Hadron Collider will not cause the world to end

You have my word on it. If I should happen to be wrong and the world does come to an end, just drop by my office. I’ll apologize and walk you down to Aroma’s and buy you a cup of expensive coffee. I have only a few virtues, but admitting when I am wrong is one of them.

But please be aware that I also have a few vices, which include saying “I told you so” in an obnoxious matter. So, if you are one of those people who believe the Large Hadron Collider might create black holes or strangelets that will careen out of control, grow and gobble up the earth, you might want to keep your fears to yourself. Did I say gobble up the earth? My mistake. I meant to say gobble up the universe.

Now honestly, do these guys look like they'd play dice with the universe? William and Mary's High Energy Theory Group members, (from left) Chris Carone, Marc Sher and Josh Erlich, will be monitoring results from the Large Hadron Collider.

For me, the most dangerous thing about the Large Hadron Collider is writing about it. Due to the atomic arrangement of the letters in its name, the LHC contains the potential to unleash an embarrassing evil twin through the quantum mechanics of keyboard transposition. But writing about science requires courage, so I’m going to type it several times: Large Hadron Collider, Large Hadron Collider, Large Hadron Collider. Whew. It came out all right. OK, you caught me. I was doing a copy ‘n’ paste, which is the safest way to approach keyboard entry of the words that make up Large Hadron Collider. You try typing it several times quickly and see what you come up with.

The LHC is due to be starting up soon. I wrote a piece about William & Mary’s involvement with the project and there is a ton of stories about the project. (Do a Google news search for “Large Hadron Collider,” but be sure to type carefully.)

Among the news stories are an amazing number about people who are taking action against the LHC. They are using the usual tools of extremists (lawsuits, death threats) to halt the startup of the LHC because they take extreme interpretations of some of the science that the Large Hadron Collider is meant to test, ergo: end of universe.

Most of the stories will mention the Higgs boson, which is often referred to as “the elusive Higgs boson,” and even as “the illusive Higgs boson.” To my mind, both e-lusive and il-lusive are problematic adjectives (although not equally). The Higgs boson is a theoretical particle (until demonstrated to exist or not by the LHC). W.C. Fields spoke about “the elusive spondulicks” in reference to money. Fields meant that money was scarce—but not so scarce as to make its very existence a matter of debate and conjecture. My point is this: for the Higgs boson to be legitimately described as “elusive,” there has to be something that is doing the eluding. If the Higgs does not exist, then it isn’t elusive; it just isn’t there. And then maybe “illusive” will be the proper word choice after all.

If you’d like to know more about the William and Mary/LHC connection, you can read my story. I also recommend that you check out the Large Hadron Rap on YouTube, which drops some particle physics in da club and does a better job than I did of explaining the LHC. Well, a more entertaining job anyway.